Sunday, August 3, 2008

On Judgment

As I consider this to be primarily a place for discussions around vintage pin-up fashion, I don't often sit down at my computer compared to write a heart-to-heart about my relationship. Obviously pin-ups are a favorite topic for me, but, as the walrus said, the time has come to talk of other things.

My man and I are in a dominant/submissive relationship, whereby he is the top and I am the bottom. It's something that has taken us years to work out in all of its particulars, and every day we continue to work on it and make new discoveries together. We can only do this with a great degree of honesty, openness and communication, and at this point we've been at it for over four years so I have to believe we're doing something right. I enjoy taking direction. Not only do I find it freeing, but it also helps me to grow as a person and explore my world and my identity. There are many different types of food that I would not have tried were it not for my man's instructions, and countless erotic scenes and experiences have been enjoyed because of his orchestrations. I do my very best to take an attitude of, "I'll try anything once," and he does his very best to keep talking to me and staying aware of my limits and desires. I enjoy things like spanking, whipping, being tied up and more that others might find appalling. All in all, I happen think that what we have is a beautiful thing.

We do have some friends, however, who are at best a little distracted by some of what they see. One mutual friend once asked my man (in my absence) why it is that he makes me wear corsets. On other occasions, my man has made a decision for me and someone else might say, "Let her make up her own mind." In both of these examples, the outside party is jumping to conclusions in a major way, although in some way they're doing it out of love for both of us. What confounds me is when other people fail to consider that perhaps I wear a corset every day because I want to. It's true I didn't wear them before I met my man, but that doesn't mean I never thought about it. In many ways, he just gave me permission to indulge a curiosity and then I decided how far I would take it. I like it when he makes decisions for me, or when he orders for me at a restaurant, or when I become interested in something because of his suggestion.

One of the interesting things is that none of the people who make these criticisms have the balls to speak with me about it. They assume I am being oppressed or made a puppet, when in fact there is nothing of the kind going on. I've changed since I met my man, but in my opinion, everyone changes when they enter into a serious relationship. When we moved in together, we each had to make compromises of our previous living habits so that we could inhabit the same space. I care about things I didn't used to, and many of his interests have shifted as well. In the end, we're both different people in some ways, but in many others we're each exactly who we've wanted to be for a long time.

The moral of the story here is to think first before judging other relationships. What works for your friend may not be the same thing that works for you. What makes you cringe might make your friend cream. Unless you're looking at a truly abusive situation--and believe me, you'll know it when you see it--stand back and love the fact that two people who want the same thing have actually found one another. It really is a miracle.


KrisD said...

I don't mean to bother you, I just wanted to tell you how much I liked your blog post. Well, I like all of your posts, but this one especially. Mainly because I feel so much like it mirrors me.
For years, I had a hard time being attracted to most guys, and being turned on by them. It wasn't until I realized, quite by accident, that I needed to be in a relationship with someone who didn't mind being sexually in-control.
I'm now in a very happy relationship with a man who is like that, and he also happens to be someone who loves me very much. He doesn't control my life, and I know what you mean about people thinking he does. He's very sensitive, and kind, and very gentle, outside of the the bedroom, anyway. :P He never pushes me past my limits.
Sorry, I don't mean to ramble. I just felt kinda connected with your entry, so I had to say something. That sounds so silly. Oh well. :)
It's just, for the longest time, till my current boyfriend came along, I thought I was a freak. He was the first person to make me feel accepted, in that regard. So it always makes me happy to know that others are attracted to men the same way I am. :)
Sorry! I'll shut up now.

Kitty du Vert said...


no bother whatsoever. I'm glad the writing resonated with you and I'm glad you too have found someone who makes you happy--even if some other people don't always understand it.


Rapunzel said...

A few years ago I might have been equally stunned, and concerned, about such a relationship. However, a year ago I met a sub friend who has educated me. Though I don't share her desires in their entirety, I am much more open-minded and enlightened as a result of her friendship. To each his/her own, who am I to judge?

katie said...


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